tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/MokoFeed2009-11-13T03:46:53+01:00tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-03-17:/2008/03/17/burnt-fingers-3895745/timchalmers2008-03-17T17:07:27+01:002008-03-17T17:26:40+01:00 <p>March 17</p> <p>There was to be a cake stall in the main hall after school.<br> Funds would be raised for sprucing up the school garden.<br> Undercoverdad decided it would be a good idea to show what a great guy he is by baking a cake to contribute to the stall.<br> He chose to make a date and banana loaf.<br> Nothing could go wrong with a date and banana loaf.<br> Undercoverdad followed instructions and weights and measures to the letter.<br> When he checked how the loaf was doing, it was doing fine.<br> When he went back ten minutes later to take the loaf out of the oven it was burnt to a cinder.<br> It was an unmitigated disaster.<br> There was no way the loaf could be presented in public without inducing waves of laughter and ridicule accompanied by mass finger-pointing.<br> Undercoverdad decided to take the offending article along to prove his commitment, then give a donation before humanely disposing of the loaf so nobody would have their evening ruined by trying to eat it. Or their teeth.<br> Perhaps the date and banana loaf would sit nicely as a centrepiece in the school garden itself.<br> As part of the rockery for example. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/03/17/burnt-fingers-3895745/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-03-12:/2008/03/12/if-the-shoe-fits-3866956/timchalmers2008-03-12T21:40:17+01:002008-03-12T21:55:49+01:00 <p>March 12</p> <p>A mystery has come to light which would befuddle Ellery Queen and Inch High Private Eye - even if they were working together in a detective dream team.<br>Superkid came home from school with someone else's shoes on (a child's, not an adult's).<br>The shoes were a different size to his own and had the name Geoffrey Corbishley written in them.<br>There is nobody of that name in Superkid's class.<br>Superkid has never been formally introduced to anyone called Geoffrey Corbishley in his life and has never spent any time in the company of anyone from the Corbishley family.<br>Undercoverdad and Superkid took the offending shoes into class the following morning and presented Teech with the footwear puzzle.<br>Teech did not know how it could have happened and Teech knows everything. In the entire world.<br>After she had finished laughing, Teech promised to get to the bottom of this intriguing state of affairs.<br>Sure enough, by collection time she had solved the matter. Of couse she had, she is Teech.<br>Anyway, Geoffrey Corbishley does exist. He is a student of some promise in the year above Superkid.<br>And now he has his own shoes back.<br>What's more, he had taken Superkid's shoes home and they are also now back in the possession of their original owner.<br>Teech said she had no idea how the mix-up had happened. There had been no interaction between the two classes and no P.E. lesson or other activity involving the removal of footwear.<br>It appears Superkid may well be keeping something to himself, which is something his father never did during childhood. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/03/12/if-the-shoe-fits-3866956/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-03-06:/2008/03/06/the-sound-of-music-3826668/timchalmers2008-03-06T19:10:54+01:002008-03-06T19:10:54+01:00 <p>March 6</p> <p>‘A triumph’ - Baz Bamigboye, Daily Mail<br> ‘Utterly stunning, who was that boy in the tiger outfit?’ - Andrew Lloyd Webber, a large country pile somewhere in the home counties<br> ‘Superkid clearly has natural rhythm and an innate feel for the choreography’ - Undercoverdad, at his computer</p> <p>The annual Festival of Dance has come and gone in a blaze of glory and without any major mishaps whatsoever.<br> Okay, so some parents had ignored the warning that tickets were limited and taken up valuable space by applying to bring toddlers along. The toddlers became bored – that’s what toddlers do. Other mothers had missed out on a ticket altogether and were in danger of missing their loved ones perform.<br> That didn’t seem right, fair or just but it can happen when touts start selling blocks of seating on Ebay and the like.<br> Anyway, forget the ticket allocation scandal.<br> Each primary school in the town had put together its own dance sequence and the entire collection was to be premiered at the leisure centre on not one, but two nights of heady showbiz.<br> There was a 200 strong sell-out crowd, tiered grandstand seating, a lighting rig and everything.<br> If we’re going to be overly critical, perhaps a couple too many troupes had elected to work on a jungle/Lion King/Disney theme for the true dance purist to be totally at ease but, hey, you can’t have enough homemade giraffe suits.<br> Being a seasoned professional, Superkid had an elephant suit for opening night and a lion suit for closing night.<br> That, my friends, is how you keep your demanding public happy.<br> Just remember how many times Madonna has changed her image over the years and she’s still moving plenty of product. And Kylie. And Christopher Biggins.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/03/06/the-sound-of-music-3826668/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-03-03:/2008/03/03/grabbing-some-air-time-3810816/timchalmers2008-03-03T15:41:30+01:002008-03-03T15:41:30+01:00 <p>March 2</p> <p>Superkid was spruced up, combed, brushed, scrubbed and arranged as only a mother can spruce up, comb, brush, scrub and arrange her child.<br> Why?<br> For an appearance on local radio, of course.<br> As a father, I knew it was not my place to question the strange logic behind this pressing requirement to look good for radio.<br> 'He's representing his school,' was Superkid's mother's catch-all explanation - delivered with such cold-eyed steel that it invited no argument.<br> Superkid's class would be performing 'She'll be coming round the mountain' in the school hall and the virtuoso effort would be going out on the airwaves for anyone living in the environs to enjoy at their leisure.<br> Of course there was a chance that some grudging killjoys would turn their radios off immediately but, hey, that's the chance you take when you pursue a life in the entertainment business.<br> Superkid knew the stakes were high and was quite happy to roll his dice.<br> Anyway, he was on a mission.<br> 'I'm going to have a word with Steve after the performance,' he informed me as we made our way into school.<br> 'Who's Steve?' I replied.<br> 'He's an important man on the radio,' Superkid expanded. 'And I'm going to have a word with him after the performance.'<br> At picking up time, Superkid proclaimed himself content with the class's display but disappointed with his first public singing performance in one respect.<br> 'Steve didn't turn up,' he told me sadly. 'So I couldn't have a word with him after all.'<br> 'Never mind,' I said and, being middle aged, turned on Radio Two for the drive home.<br> 'No wonder he didn't turn up,' said Superkid. 'He was busy. Listen . . . Steve Wright in the afternoon.'<br> Wasn't being a kid great.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/03/03/grabbing-some-air-time-3810816/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-28:/2008/02/28/hidden-agenda-3794859/timchalmers2008-02-28T22:55:24+01:002008-02-28T22:55:24+01:00 <p>February 25</p> <p>Welcome back, I hope your half-term break went exceedingly well and was packed with life enhancing experiences for your educationally nourished offspring.<br> Even if your half-term was not packed with life enhancing experiences for your educationally nourished offspring, I hope they were well briefed as to what information to impart to Teech and what to keep quiet.<br> Superkid is primed so that when he is asked what he did during the holiday, he will reveal the following:<br> 1. I read Stig of the Dump to my mum and dad and enjoyed it.<br> 2. I read a whole book of poems and found them very entertaining.<br> 3. I did some great comprehension work.<br> 4. I managed a two-hour walk with my dad. We saw eleven red kites and a large rabbit warren.<br> 5. I went in to London with my mum and dad for a ‘family day out’ and we visited lots of places to do with the Great Fire of London before learning all about the Tower of London and HMS Belfast.</p> <p>Superkid is primed so that when he is asked what he did during the holiday, he will not reveal the following:<br> 1. I reached level five of Star Wars the Complete Saga on my Nintendo DS Lite due to repeated and prolonged game time when my parents did not mind me playing because it meant they could chat without interruption.<br> 2. I found the Brain Training game for the DS Lite essentially boring and uninspiring, even though I am aware my parents want me to play it to offset the time I spend mastering Star Wars the Complete Saga. Don’t they realise it could never replace Star Wars the Complete Saga in my affections?<br> 3. I stayed up very late on at least three nights. And by very late, I mean VERY late. This rendered me tired the next day and was again indicative of ill-disciplined parenting.<br> 4. I ate an entire, adult-sized pizza during my visit to London. That’s not in the guide books is it!<br> 5. I was allowed to attend an adults’ party at which fully matured women were present and clearly visible shaking their chests around in a provocative manner to background music. I was watching nearly as intently as my father.<br> Guess which list the class got to hear about.</p> <p>Anyone who likes to take their sporting comment with an acerbic twist might enjoy visiting ‘That Was The Sporting Week’ on the Daily Mail website.<br> You can get to it via the sport page and it’s by me. </p> <p>______________________________________________________________________ </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/28/hidden-agenda-3794859/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-18:/2008/02/18/valentine_s_day_massacre~3744376/timchalmers2008-02-18T12:42:49+01:002008-02-26T21:45:32+01:00 <p>February 14</p> <p>A day of heightened emotions, tearful recriminations and childish hopes smashed against the rocks of cruel reality in an all-too harsh world.<br> But enough of the fact that I did not receive a card even though I am fully married and now out of my probation period.<br> For his part, Superkid had two personally selected valentines to deliver and was planning to do so anonymously by arriving early and distributing his wares before any classmates checked in.<br> He carried out the plan successfully enough but undid the good work somewhat by greeting the subjects of his desire at the classroom door with<br> the announcement: 'I've hidden a card in your draw, it's got a question mark in it but it's definitely from me.'<br> This did not seem to take the sheen off his day to any great degree, even though he came home with no cards of his own. I don't think it had occured<br> to him that he might receive, only give. So he was happy enough with proceedings.<br> If only adult life could deliver such simple satisfaction for him.<br> Undercoverdad rudely overheard A Certain Mother informing A Certain Other Mother: 'I don't naturally take to being pampered. I have to be forced into being pampered but then I tend to really enjoy it.'<br> It sounded like a tough job, but somebody would be charged with trying to deliver the goods that self same night. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/18/valentine_s_day_massacre~3744376/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-11:/2008/02/11/you_can_t_tell_stork_from_butter_ref~3711553/timchalmers2008-02-11T15:03:19+01:002008-02-11T15:03:19+01:00 <p>February 11</p> <p>Kids football eh?<br> It's not the kids at all, of course, it's the parents (not again, I hear you cry).<br> But when shocking stories filter through to the high-tec Undercoverdad international news hub of a friend offering to referee an Under 9s match when they were short, then being verbally attacked and physically intimidated by the father of a yob he had to book for a rash challenge - 'if you've got a problem with my Dwane, you've got a problem with me' was the gist of it - something is clearly awry.<br> Fortunately, these high-profile bust-ups appear to be the exception rather than the rule and thousands of games go on every weekend in a spirit of sportsmanship and good grace.<br> Superkid's Sunday morning match passed peacefully enough and standards of behaviour were high throughout - although it was rather embarrassing to hear him refusing to take his turn in goal, employing the reasoning 'I'm rubbish, you wouldn't want me in there.'<br> His claim was backed up by his team's helpful No 8, who added 'He's right, he is rubbish' so Superkid was spared the ignominy.<br> The truth is, of course, that virtually every six-year-old in the country is rubbish in goal and sees time spent between the posts as akin to a spell in borstal - some kind of punishment.<br> Anyway, Superkid's ruse paid off and he eluded the duty of donning gloves and manning the last line of defence.<br> A 2-2 draw from a half-time position of strength at two-up and a hard fought 1-0 defeat were the results of his morning's honest toil.<br> Although you're not telling me their centre forward wasn't at least 11. He had sideburns and a goatee beard.<br> And don't even ask about offside for the goal. Yards off.<br> Mind you, it can't have helped that our keeper was sitting cross-legged, lovingly fashioning a daisy chain in the back corner of his net when the winning shot came in.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/11/you_can_t_tell_stork_from_butter_ref~3711553/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-08:/2008/02/08/hanging_on_grimly_for_the_credits~3698143/timchalmers2008-02-08T15:16:23+01:002008-02-08T15:16:23+01:00 <p>February 8</p> <p>Superkid has now officially reached the age of consent for employing that cherished bedtime delay tactic - laughing uproariously at a television programme you don't really understand.<br> We all remember giggling along to incomprehensible Monty Python sketches and chuckling knowingly at episodes of The Good Life which, in reality, were flying way over our heads.<br> 'Oh, just let me stay down until the end of this mum, you know I love it' or 'I can't go up until I find out what happens' where staple stalling comments of the genre.<br> Hell, once I even managed to produce a prolonged bout of laughter during Hi Di Hi in my desperation to stay away from the duvet. Now that's commitment.<br> Combined with taking up a discreet viewing position in the lounge - hidden in a corner out of parental eyeline is a trusted ploy - the tactic can certainly work.<br> But it does hold pitfalls.<br> For example, I was instantly dismissed to my room for staging a gale of uncontrolled laughing during a harrowing edition of Panorama highlighting discomfort and woe among the innocent and elderly.<br> I'm sorry, the woman lost control of her electric chair on an unsuitable gradient. What can I say? Anyway, it happened more than a month ago.<br> Superkid is now tentatively trying it on during programmes such as 'I'm an ice-sculpting has-been please don't sack me' and the like.<br> It can be very entertaining watching him pull out all the stops simply to defer bed time by five minutes.<br> On the subject of television and school, here is your definitive guide to the Grange Hill years.<br> Top character of all time: Tucker Jenkins.<br> Top bird: Cathy Hargreaves.<br> Top bully: dead heat between Doyle (the original oik) and Gripper Stebson (effortlessly combining a brain the size of a marrowfat pea with sublime extortion and intimidation skills).<br> Top teacher: Bullet Baxter ('You're playing in that game Benny, or I'll crush your skull').<br> Top incident: Mr Bronson's wig floating off in the swimming pool.<br> Top quote: 'Shat yer marth Tucker, you're a nat jorb'.<br> Voting lines have already closed but you may still be charged for making alternative suggestions. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/08/hanging_on_grimly_for_the_credits~3698143/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-05:/2008/02/05/dealing_with_the_percentages~3682333/timchalmers2008-02-05T13:04:24+01:002008-02-05T16:26:12+01:00 <p>February 5</p> <p>Just think about it. How many of your classmates at school were remotely bearable?<br> In a class of 30, you might have known 10 decent folk.<br> Granted, Undercoverdad was privileged to be part of the legendary Form 2B, so the numbers are thrown off kilter somewhat.<br> Anyway, the high incidence of quality humans present in the 2B population was dramatically offset by the 'higher band' Form 2A - entirely peopled by misfits, freaks, dorks and gumbies.<br> Yes, they had memorised every variant of every freakin' latin verb known to ancient civilisation, but could they do their own flies up?<br> No, they couldn't.<br> While you were out busily trying to consume your own body weight in cheap farm cider on the railway embankment, they were relaxing at home with a laminated logarithm chart and a set of lovingly sharpened HB pencils. All exactly the same length.<br> The point is, these people - the 2A population if you will - are, by and large, all still out there in the world.<br> They are quite legally producing kids, working and pestering their local government offices for rebates over renewal rubbishing.<br> The percentages are still roughly the same.<br> Same number of Form 2B kids, same number of Form 2A.<br> What is more, David Attenborough and Ben Fogle have proved irrefutably, beyond doubt and for sure that the Form 2A kids who you knew will now be cohabiting and procreating with the Form 2A kids who I knew.<br> They will have been drawn together by some cosmic mating force - either that or there was no-one left to dance with at the local disco - and are now producing a mutant strain of Form 2A ultra-dork.<br> So the issue is only going to get more pressing for Superkid and his generation.<br> It is already one of the most irksome problems troubling genetic scientists and migration experts today and is one of the reasons why Chinese people are under such pressure to produce the right sort of kid at the right time and in the right order.<br> Or something.<br> All I'm saying is please don't be unduly perturbed when you walk in and out of school every morning and virtually nobody says hello to you.<br> It's just a matter percentages. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/05/dealing_with_the_percentages~3682333/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-02-01:/2008/02/01/dancing_to_a_different_beat~3664286/timchalmers2008-02-01T13:46:05+01:002008-02-01T13:49:54+01:00 <p>February 1</p> <p>Superkid's class are deep into a heavy and demanding rehearsal schedule which will result in a dance routine to be showcased at the leisure centre this month.<br> In front of your actual, factual public.<br> Their contribution will be part of a dance festival for which there may even be printed programmes and some level of discretionary entrance fee.<br> So far so good, is the feedback from Superkid - although he does express some areas of concern.<br> Apparently, one of the routines is set to the Scissor Sisters track 'I don't want to dance' - a title which a couple of the more truculent steppers are taking a little too literally.<br> Something to do with not wanting to embarrass themselves in front of their friends.<br> Come on guys, you're six. You've got years of not wanting to embarrass yourselves in front of your friends to look forward to.<br> Six is an age when anything goes, make the most of it.<br> Needless to say, there are no such concerns with Superkid, who is insisting on embelishing the finale courtesy of a 'Mark Ramprakash on Strictly Come Dancing' full knee slide with imploring, outstretched arms.<br> Undercoverdad has suggested that Teech might not be too impressed at this blatant display of attention seeking, especially if Superkid happens to overshoot on the slide and ends up in the front row of the crowd.<br> But Superkid appears adamant that the added flourish is going in, so the festival may well be worth a look for that reason alone.<br> Dance tuition was not always this rewarding and flexible, of course.<br> Not if you were bundled off to a convent school at the age of four. One of five boys in an academic population of hundreds (strains of wistful violin, possibly a movement by an angst-ridden Russian composer).<br> Of course there were some benefits. Sixth-form girls seemed ever-keen to have you sitting on their knee at morning break for a start.<br> But compulsory ballet was not one of those benefits.<br> Walking hand in hand across the yard to the dance hall was bad enough, even before Miss Jones began driving the ranks of clod-hoppers through her merciless drills and practice steps.<br> I tell you, that lady made the sergeant from Full Metal Jacket look like Charles Hawtrey. I even have an image of Miss Jones aggressively brandishing a large bamboo stick, but that may simply be the subject of an unhealthy recurring daydream. I can't be sure.<br> My best friend at the time was called Timothy. At the time, I was called Timothy.<br> So there we were. Two Timothys in the back row of a ballet class full of girls.<br> Cruel Miss Jones was not prepared to put up with this state of affairs, as you can doubtless imagine.<br> Having her prim and proper class of young ladies sullied by the inclusion of two clumsy, poorly co-ordinated youths was bad enough (Youths, what am I saying? Christ, we were still virtually toddlers!).<br> Anyway, she certainly wasn't going to put up with the Two Timothys skulking about in the safe anonymity of the back row.<br> Every week the Two Timothys would shuffle to their chosen place, hidden away from view near the rear wall.<br> And every week, Miss Jones would emit the same shrill command 'Front row, centre, boys - front row, centre'.<br> Amid much sniggering and nudging from the budding Pavlovas, the Two Timothys would have to make their way forward until they were positioned directly under Miss Jones' harsh glare.<br> Needless to say, the Two Timothys would then spend the rest of the session working their way to the back row again.<br> The effects of all this mental torture were particularly dispiriting and would certainly not have been accepted in the current educational climate of molly-coddling and encouragement.<br> Despite hours of selfless toil and what I fondly regarded as a pleasing turn of foot, ballet was covered by one, damning line in my end of term report.<br> 'Timothy's elevation could be lighter'. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/02/01/dancing_to_a_different_beat~3664286/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-30:/2008/01/30/scenes_of_unbridled_joy~3654752/timchalmers2008-01-30T15:16:27+01:002008-01-30T15:16:27+01:00 <p>January 29</p> <p>It was the occasion of our parent/teacher meeting.<br> Teech was present.<br> Superkid's mother and father were present.<br> In a twist on the normal arrangements, Superkid was present.<br> He sat on a chair in a corner of the room with his leg crossed reading a book about the Spanish Armada while we talked about him.<br> Let's just say it turned out to be good for his confidence.<br> We left the meeting on a high.<br> That must be the essence of what having a child is all about.<br> Something that he has done leaves you bursting with pride.<br> We had a group hug and high fives in the car park.<br> It no doubt looked ludicrous but what the hell, these moments should be enjoyed.<br> Especially if one of the parents once had to swallow the bitter pill of scoring 13% in mathematics as a fledgling academic. Things were so bad that the<br> teacher rang home to ask whether the pupil concerned had a fever.<br> I didn't. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/30/scenes_of_unbridled_joy~3654752/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-25:/2008/01/25/the_dawn_chorus~3631027/timchalmers2008-01-25T15:27:35+01:002008-01-25T15:27:35+01:00 <p>January 25</p> <p>6.38am - woken by strange sounds coming from the bathroom. Sounds of inter-galactic warfare.<br> Further investigation reveals Superkid sitting on the toilet in his pyjamas playing <em>Star Wars - The Complete Saga </em>on his new Nintendo DS Lite. He has woken early to make inroads into reaching level 3 where he intends to fight General Grievous.<br> This must surely rank as inappropriate preparation for school and we may well receive an advisory note from the government indicating parental misconduct.<br> At least Superkid had words of encouragement about his father's general contribution before we left for school.<br> 'Dad, you are good at a lot of things,' said Superkid.<br> 'Oh, thanks,' said Undercoverdad.<br> 'Helping other people put their socks on, for example,' said Superkid, illustrating his point amply. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/25/the_dawn_chorus~3631027/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-22:/2008/01/22/i_got_those_can_t_get_enough_of_those_wo~3617757/timchalmers2008-01-22T22:52:56+01:002008-01-23T12:19:07+01:00 <p>January 22</p> <p>Is this going to carry on for the entire year?<br> Every Monday of this watery, wind-swept annus (apologies for using medical terms before the watershed third paragraph) we have been battered by headlines telling us it is the most miserable day served up by 2008 so far.<br> If the trend continues, I can't see any point in bravely pressing on.<br> By definition, if each Monday is worse than the last, the year is going to be borderline unbearable by the time we reach mid-June.<br> There will be people falling on their swords left right and centre.<br> Even people who don't own swords will be borrowing swords from people who do and falling on them.<br> Simply to avoid the impending abject misery of the coming Monday.<br> Well it's got to stop.<br> As outlined by Undercoverdad recently enough, Superkid has got off to a flying start this year - an uplifting effort which his all-too-buoyant father is attempting to mirror.<br> No amount of doom-mongering in the national press is going to alter that.<br> And if you truly are struggling to cope with the competition, gainsaying, general jockeying for position and downright drudgery provided by Certain Mothers and Other Particular Mothers on your daily school run, never fear.<br> Undercoverdad today provides, totally free of charge, a priceless list of random and infuriating quotes to drop into your routine as and when you see fit - in order to 'help your general disposition' and perhaps 'shift the weight of concern' onto other shoulders.<br> It may or may not work, but it's got to be worth a go and is certainly preferable to lying weeping and alone on the kitchen linoleum having guzzled a litre of cheap vodka in an attempt to numb the pain before lunch time.<br> Remember, all phrases should be uttered at a healthy volume, preferably at bewilderingly inappropriate moments.</p> <p>Phrase 1 - 'I wouldn't say it has made us any happier but a vast lottery win can put a certain spring in your step'</p> <p>Phrase 2 - 'I didn't really know Great Aunt Helibore, but she has seen fit to bypass her own children and leave me the manor house with surrounding acreage and tithe barns'</p> <p>Phrase 3 - 'I may take Poinsetta out of school for the entire Spring term, have done with it and simply decamp to the Virgin Islands'</p> <p>Phrase 4 - 'It sounds glamorous, but the paddle gear shift on the DB9 becomes utterly infuriating at anything a tad over 130mph'</p> <p>Phrase 5 - 'Drufus has said drop everything and come back to the chalet in Verbier for another month. Apparently the New Year's Eve party is still going strong'</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/22/i_got_those_can_t_get_enough_of_those_wo~3617757/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-21:/2008/01/21/fresh_fields_beckon~3609327/timchalmers2008-01-21T13:47:57+01:002008-01-23T12:23:55+01:00 <p>January 21</p> <p>Superkid is accepting the challenge of learning new skills on many fronts as the New Year develops.<br> Swimming lessons at school are passing without headline-worthy trauma, his name is down for theatre group, football training on a Saturday morning requires a beany hat and windcheater but is the highlight of his week and tennis on a Tuesday evening is revealing a penchant for the punched backhand volley which would not have shamed that master exponent of the net arts Stefan Edberg.<br> School work is being devoured as long as the requisite bribes and treats are put in place at the finish line and he is still finding time to start learning chess using the Star Wars 30th anniversary collector's set he received at Christmas.<br> Although his tutor is not and perhaps never will be of Grand Master status, the foothills of knowledge in this deep and thought-provoking game are not providing too many stumbling blocks.<br> But what of Undercoverdad - faced with this energising example of grasping life's opportunities in both hands?<br> Surely it is only right that the father should take the son's example and venture on to new and exciting ground.<br> But what shall it be? Knitting? Cross-country skiiing?<br> Integrating with Certain Particular Mothers more effectively? Chairing the Cappuccino Clan AGM/bring and buy sale?<br> Let's not rush into this one. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/21/fresh_fields_beckon~3609327/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-11:/2008/01/11/in_at_the_deep_end~3561403/timchalmers2008-01-11T14:14:38+01:002008-01-14T17:40:07+01:00 <p>January 11</p> <p>Superkid's class began swimming lessons today at the local sports centre.<br> A world apart, I'm sure, from the shambles which passed as swimming lessons when I attended an austere Grammar School in the north as an eleven-year-old.<br> The school did not have it's own pool, so an entire Wednesday afternoon was put aside on the timetable each week for us to undertake tutelage at the municipal baths three miles away in town.<br> To reach the pool we were entrusted with making an unchaperoned bus journey on public transport before alighting and marching two abreast in an orderly fashion to our destination. That was the instruction, anyway.<br> Thirty 11-year-old boys.<br> Unsupervised.<br> All carrying money supposedly set aside to pay for their swimming lesson.<br> It did not take an elite educator loaded down with qualifications and experience to predict that the arrangement had certain flaws with regard to levels of behaviour and, indeed, attendance.<br> By the time the bus reached the swimming pool, our number had usually dwindled to around nine or ten pupils.<br> If there was a good film showing at the nearby Odeon cinema, we could be down to as few as three or four.<br> Several of the more experienced truants simply debussed at a classmates house one stop on from school and would habitually spend the afternoon leafing through his father's leatherbound collection of Mayfair and Playboy magazines while smoking the absent host's favoured brand of cigarillo.<br> The swimming pool itself was a death trap. Built in Victorian times and cleaned perhaps twice since, the changing facilities would have shamed a battery chicken farmer.<br> We were expected to cram two youths to each tiny booth, get changed and then get on with the task of teaching ourselves to swim.<br> At no time was there any sign of a tutor from school or, indeed, an instructor provided by the pool itself.<br> I'm all for cutting out the middle man, but<br> if you couldn't swim to start with and there was nobody around to offer guidance, the chances of making progress were not healthy.<br> Perhaps we were meant to show some initiative and swim along with a self-help manual in one hand and one of the flea-bitten floats in the other.<br> The pool's overflow outlets were plugged up with unspecified clots of body hair and corn plasters while lumps of asbestos from the ceiling could fall on you at any time and made progress difficult at the shallow end, where they tended to congregate and bob around like a field of miniature ice bergs.<br> Come to think of it, the water was so cold, perhaps it was a field of miniature ice bergs.<br> The only people in there were us, a handful of dole cheats trying to break open the valuables safe and the dangerously infirm who could not get out of the pool unaided at the end of their over-70s aquacise class.<br> It usually took us 15 minutes to haul our elderly brethren out by the trunks before an hour of dive-bombing, bebriefing, dunking and sprinting around on the dangerously wet and cracked tiling floor ensued.<br> A hooter would sound to indicate the end of our 'lesson' and then it was back on the bus to school.<br> After getting clothed, obviously.<br> By the time our carriage pulled up at the school gates again there were often only one or two of our original party left.<br> None of the teaching staff ever seemed particularly perturbed by the disappearance of 90 per cent of the students they were charged with over-seeing, so the arrangement continued for the entire winter term.<br> I seem to recall that my friend watched the film Return of the Pink Panther with Peter Sellers nine times (Peter Sellers wasn't watching it with my friend - he was in the film. I think he could already swim).</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/11/in_at_the_deep_end~3561403/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2008-01-07:/2008/01/07/oh_happy_memories_of_yule~3541223/timchalmers2008-01-07T14:50:51+01:002008-01-07T14:50:51+01:00 <p>January 7</p> <p>'Darling, we're going to have to get Timmy a private instructor, he simply won't wear the ski school bib!'<br> Brayed down a mobile phone by some Henrietta in a fuschia one-piece lounging on the sun deck of a restaurant half way up a French Alp, this was certainly the pick of the season's Christmas bragging selection.<br> The quote was overheard by one of Undercoverdad's many agents out in the field and rightly took top billing, but there was plenty of competition for the prize when Superkid restarted school this morning.<br> The cluster in the cloakroom had a particularly desperate air to it, as if some mothers were unsure that their festive achievements were going to stand up to scrutiny from the more competitive element.<br> 'Of course we went to Lapland to see him, just not for as long as last year,' explained One Particular Mother.<br> 'Well, we couldn't stay there long anyway - we Christmassed in Whistler,' countered Another Certain Mother.<br> I ran away.<br> The soaring hormone levels were affecting my balance and the use of the word Christmas as a verb was bringing me out in hives.<br> For my part, I had been unable to locate Superkid's P.E. pumps in the cupboard under the stairs and received a stern but fully deserved ticking off from Teech.<br> This was not an exemplary manner in which to launch the new term and yet again I have let myself down in the parenting theatre.<br> If this carries on, I will be shunned - left to stand alone in a corner of the playground at collection time, unloved and under-valued.<br> This will bring a dramatic and distressing change to my position in the pecking order. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2008/01/07/oh_happy_memories_of_yule~3541223/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-23:/2007/12/23/an_unholy_scene_at_waitrose~3483371/timchalmers2007-12-23T19:13:05+01:002007-12-23T19:13:05+01:00 <p>December 23</p> <p>'TWAS two days before Christmas and the queue for Waitrose car park was all the way back to the main roundabout - even though it was only 7.55am.<br> And yeah, there was an unseemly bout of pushing and grumbling outside the store's front door where a tweedy, gentrified couple in their 70s were<br> heard to lose their tempers before they had even begun shopping.<br> 'Geoffrey, I have told you there are no small trolleys round here, you will have to go back and get one from the other side,' scolded the furious<br> matriarch.<br> Geoffrey was sore afraid and did scuttle off to carry out his duties, cursing under his breath yet helpless.<br> And verily the assembled throng did look on in wonderment at such early loss of composure in a public place.<br> Yonder doors were flung open to much rushing and pushing and, soon enough, the fresh produce aisle was a seething mass of bodies all intent on claiming the premium organic sprouts.<br> Indeed, a rich but unhappy couple did utter: 'We are going to have to take our chances in the soft fruit area' before ploughing into the human melee with not a smile between them.<br> All around were sombre faces, loading up with high-end grocery products to provide a lavish spread verging on the obscene.<br> Shopping 'against the tide' was rightly frowned upon and there was more than one sighting of that cardinal sin - stealing goods from a rival's trolley.<br> As the morning wore on, it became clear there would be tears, if not a fist fight, as the supply of carbonated water ran dry.<br> A burly, red-faced hedge fund manager did abandon his dignity and square up to a frail pensioner over ownership of the last tray of mint thins.<br> He was in full battle mode and did not feel ashamed.<br> Here endeth the Christmas lesson.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/23/an_unholy_scene_at_waitrose~3483371/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-20:/2007/12/21/our_christmas_star~3472517/timchalmers2007-12-21T00:20:46+01:002008-01-04T11:03:04+01:00 <p>December 20</p> <p>And so the first term of the third year draws to a close.<br> A term in which Superkid has flourished under the tutelage of the inspirational Teech.<br> Boundless energy, enthusiasm and commitment allied with a natural abilty to communicate and educate.<br> In charge of shaping the next generation of our citizens and paid annually less than a third of what elite Premier League footballers earn in a week.<br> Have we got the balance slightly wrong somewhere?<br> Anyway, three cheers for Teech and all the thousands of others like her around the nation who we entrust with the well being and advancement of our children every day.<br> When it goes right, the effect can be quite amazing.<br> The most amusing 'nativity' story of the season has come in to the Undercoverdad offices.<br> It features a child wearing an oversize, multi-coloured giraffe outfit fashioned from papier mache who took centre stage at her school production to announce: 'Have we perhaps lost the true meaning of Christmas?'<br> It is very difficult to know where to go from there.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/21/our_christmas_star~3472517/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-13:/2007/12/13/what_does_a_dolly_grip_do_anyway~3437834/timchalmers2007-12-13T14:18:00+01:002007-12-13T14:18:00+01:00 <p>December 13</p> <p>The show is over, the set has been dismantled, the ticket stubs brushed away.<br> Superkid and his class have taken part in their last ever Nativity, time's winged chariot hurtles onward through the gilded days of their youth.<br> Sorry, I'm getting a little over-emotional myself now.<br> Yesterday's performance simply screamed 'oscar nominations' as far as I'm concerned.<br> Joseph kept his arm dutifully around Mary at all times, the donkey behaved impeccably and the music system worked without a hitch. Nose-picking was kept to a minimum, even among members of staff.<br> The stage was a sea of smiling little faces, the audience were held in rapt attention throughout and everyone went home happy, perhaps after dabbing a small tear away.<br> Superkid's celebrity guest even arrived in the nick of time, despite a hair-raising dash around the M25.<br> Most important of all, Undercoverdad was confident he had performed his video recording duties to sublime levels of competence.<br> Arm steadiness was good and his usual fault - overuse of the zoom facility inducing nausea in the viewer - was completely eradicated.<br> Later, we all settled down to review the performance in comfort back at the ranch, with a mince pie and mug of hot chocolate.<br> Do you know, I hadn't realised the lady in front's wig was so high . . . it seems to be dominating the screen somewhat . . . err, I'm sure she sits down in a minute . . . you'll see the actual stage then . . . actually, I think I'll go and find something urgent to do in the shed for an hour or so. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/13/what_does_a_dolly_grip_do_anyway~3437834/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-10:/2007/12/10/big_match_nerves~3423175/timchalmers2007-12-10T17:09:14+01:002007-12-10T17:09:14+01:00 <p>December 10</p> <p>'Twas the night before nativity and all around were beset with pre-match jitters.<br> The shepherds were off their game and allowing indiscipline to creep into their flock - to the extent that Phil Drabble would have been appalled by the lack of shape in and around the manger.<br> The wise men were not staying proactive when the hay hit the floor and the donkey was neglecting his livestock marking duties in the crucial central areas where these things are invariably won and lost.<br> Basically it was typical of the day before any big performance.<br> As long as everyone gets the nerves out of their system in time for tomorrow's opener, all will be fine.<br> If there was rather too much bickering among members of the celestial choir that, too, was only to be expected.<br> The pressure to hit the high notes is growing and there is a general feeling that the cast are simply marking time before kick off.<br> Less understandable are reports of hyperventilation and panic attacks among ancilliary members of school staff, but let's put that down to a ripple effect and say no more about it.<br> Superkid's nativity is scheduled to run for two afternoons only, although there is a suggestion that it may transfer to Broadway if a keystone sponsor can be found Stateside.<br> As for Joseph himself, he reports no problems or concerns other than an enviable desire to produce his best stuff in a matchday environment.<br> Celebrity guests are jetting in from all corners for the performance, although Superkid has not been told Uncle Ant is planning to be there yet - just in case the M25 does its worst and he is infuriatingly held up short.<br> So, all is set.<br> The tree is up in the main hall, the set is looking fine, daub on the greasepaint and let's go.<br> Hang on, what's that red flashing symbol in the top righthand corner of my video camera? I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing.<br> Nothing to worry about at all.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/10/big_match_nerves~3423175/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-06:/2007/12/06/behind_the_scenes_with_the_stars~3404282/timchalmers2007-12-06T15:28:37+01:002007-12-06T15:28:37+01:00 <p>December 6</p> <p>Reports filter out from the heat of rehearsal that the nativity is coming together swimmingly.<br> As with any high profile production, expectations grow and the attendant pressures bring problems of their own.<br> But the cast are reported to be holding their composure well as opening night (well, afternoon) draws ever closer.<br> Of course there are hiccups, even Sir Dicky Attenborough gets hiccups.<br> Apparently the donkey is still displaying unattractive truculence when asked to turn right towards the stable.<br> He prefers a position stage left and out of the spotlight, but Teech's tactic of bribing him with unlimited fresh carrots seems to be paying off.<br> In keeping with Hollywood tradition, there are also rumours of behind-the-scenes romance blossoming for those drawn together by fate of casting.<br> Although no photographs exist of the incident, Mary and Joseph are alleged to have shared a kiss while waiting in line at the end of the school day.<br> Joseph informed Undercoverdad on the way home but said that Mary would not be telling her father as she feared he would 'lock her in her room for a week without food or water'.<br> Undercoverdad said this sounded a bit harsh and Joseph agreed, but it all adds to the excitement.<br> The young couple are believed to be negotiating a six-figure sum with Hello! magazine to reveal the full story in an eight-page picture special and so are keeping understandably quiet on detail at the moment.<br> Joseph did let slip that he considers the relationship to be 'a little bit girlfriend and boyfriend but mainly just normal friends at the moment'.<br> Undercoverdad said he understood and advised Joseph to keep his eye on the ball until the production is over and then maybe let nature run its course.<br> Joseph thanked his father for his input and they settled down to watch Laurel and Hardy in Twice Two.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/06/behind_the_scenes_with_the_stars~3404282/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-12-05:/2007/12/05/shunning_the_limelight_for_the_good_of_t~3399216/timchalmers2007-12-05T15:39:52+01:002007-12-05T15:43:41+01:00 <p>December 5</p> <p>To avoid being mobbed by my legions of adoring fans from among the parental ranks, I have started parking away from the school grounds.<br> Rather like the Beatles being rushed in and out of venues under blankets and in car boots during their tumultuous breakthrough tour of the United States, I just find it easier to slip into a side door with a minimum of fuss.<br> Frankly the massed autograph signings and posing with babies was starting to hold up the start of the school day and simply wasn't fair on the kids.<br> We are there to facilitate their education, nothing else, and it was high time I started remembering that.<br> Also there is a quicker route to Superkid's class if we park on the road and simply nip through the back gate.<br> But mainly I park there to avoid the crushing crowds and endless posing with admirers wanting mobile phone photos of me cuddling them.<br> Yes, that's it.<br> I'm sure my agent would advise me against such a move but I have to put education first. Anything else would be plain selfish. And I have't got an agent.<br> So any parents fretting over my disappearance from the car park scene needn't worry, it is for the good of the school.<br> There has been one interesting development since this change of tactic, however.<br> My fellow undercover agent/possible double agent has also started parking on the roadside.<br> I know I have attempted to put these matters on a backburner of late due to uncertainty over the motives of the individual in question, but could it be that we have flushed him out?<br> His role is still unclear, I must play it safe.<br> Got to go, a posse of screaming mothers bear down on me brandishing autograph pads. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/12/05/shunning_the_limelight_for_the_good_of_t~3399216/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-28:/2007/11/28/lights_camera_problems~3365529/timchalmers2007-11-28T17:52:54+01:002007-11-28T17:52:54+01:00 <p>November 28</p> <p>Now that the saga of the casting is over for another year, Undercoverdad is left to focus on that most daunting of duties – manning the video camera to record the event for posterity.<br> This is undoubtedly the key task on any modern father’s annual roster.<br> If the nativity play footage is lost, sullied, mis-directed or simply poorly shot, you will never hear the end of it.<br> And just think of all those landmark birthdays in the future when your blundering will be trawled up once again for family ridicule . . .<br> ‘And so on the occasion of Tarquin’s 18th birthday, wouldn’t it be nice to sit back and enjoy the video of that famous Christmas when he played lead shepherd in the school play aged seven? Yes it would be nice, but we can’t. We can’t because SOMEONE put the tape in the wrong way round and broke the machine, didn’t they?’<br> Well, this year I am going to be right on top of matters, to the extent that I have begun preparing for my big day two weeks in advance.<br> An astute father’s first concern is to ensure that the cursed recorder is fully juiced up for the event.<br> The family video vault already contains ample evidence of my poor planning in this department – a school musical bonanza reduced to five seconds of the headmistress parting the stage curtains to utter the words ‘Welcome everyone,’ followed by a flashing battery sign and then silence.<br> This award-winning documentary sits comfortably alongside my much-lauded social drama ‘Sports day – but with sound only, because SOMEONE left the lens cap on’ and its accompanying black comedy ‘There’s a summer fete happening somewhere off-camera, but you’ll have to make do with this shaky view of some nearby trees.’<br> Then there is the minefield commonly referred to as the ‘unwitting commentary’ when asides which you could have sworn you were making in your head actually appear on the video soundtrack<br> Things like ‘Oh dear, what exactly is madam wearing today? She must be going straight on to the pantomime’ and ‘I’m not sure Joseph should be strangling a Wise<br> Man during Silent Night, it’s not really in keeping with the overall message of Yule.’<br> Roll the tape.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/28/lights_camera_problems~3365529/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-26:/2007/11/26/and_the_winner_is~3355165/timchalmers2007-11-26T16:43:55+01:002007-11-28T17:55:17+01:00 <p>November 26</p> <p>So Superkid is Joseph.<br> Did I forget to tell you?<br> The waiting is over, all we have to do now is peel Superkid's mother off the ceiling with a spatula and start preparing the costume.<br> Teech approached Superkid at the school fair yesterday and broke the casting news.<br> There was an outbreak of whooping, leaping, punching the sky and airborne high fives, then a lap of honour around the novelty gift stall before we eventually manage to bring my wife back under control.<br> As for Superkid, he took it calmly enough, restricting himself to a brief but moving acceptance speech during which he paid tribute to the many Joseph's who have gone before - right back to, well, Joseph - and promised to do the role justice.<br> He also pledged to provide rich material to earn his father some easy money on You've Been Framed.<br> All that remains now is for me to work out how to use this damned video camera and make sure I secure the optimum filming position on the day itself.<br> Amusing aside of the day: One of Superkid's best pals has an imaginary friend. The imaginary friend is called Waitrose.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/26/and_the_winner_is~3355165/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-23:/2007/11/23/has_the_world_fallen_out_of_his_bottom~3340828/timchalmers2007-11-23T14:21:19+01:002007-11-26T16:46:34+01:00 <p>November 23</p> <p>Today could well have been the day when those cursed letters were finally handed out, the waiting was over and we could put this issue to bed at last.<br> It could have been, but we will never know because Superkid has only gone and contracted raging diarrhoea.<br> He's off school as we don't want him fouling his shorts during assembly.<br> Off school when the letter could be waiting in his locker.<br> The harsh irony of it all.<br> Having been forced to wait this long, we now have to wait again until Monday - even though the news may well be public by now.<br> Undercoverdad is half tempted to attend school at picking up time even without a child to collect, but this may arouse suspicion among rival parents. Especially if I then start rummaging around in classroom drawers for no apparent reason.<br> Best to stay away and divert our minds with trivial nonsense.<br> Try this:<br> Today's award for excellence in the field of customer service goes to the Tesco shop 'assistant' involved in the following exchange.<br> Undercoverdad: Excuse me, do you know how much this turkey tray costs, it is not marked.'<br> Award-winning assistant: 'No. If I could remember the cost of every item we stock, I wouldn't be working at Tesco would I?'<br> Thanks then.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/23/has_the_world_fallen_out_of_his_bottom~3340828/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-22:/2007/11/22/it_wasn_t_like_this_in_my_day~3335594/timchalmers2007-11-22T14:04:53+01:002007-11-22T14:04:53+01:00 <p>November 22</p> <p>As you will be acutely aware, Wednesday has come and gone with no news from Undercoverdad on the pressing matter of the season.<br> Just like England's national football team, I have nothing to offer.<br> Similar to the country's premier goalkeeper attempting to gather a speculative punt from distance, my contribution has been exposed as laughable.<br> In line with a midfielder failing to control the ball simply because it has been raining, but who will continue to be paid over £100,000 every week (including next summer, when he will now be on holiday), I am exposed.<br> We have been informed that the nativity casting decisions will be revealed via a letter at some forthcoming date.<br> This may or may not occur before the 25th of December which is generally accepted as the day on which our lord was safely delivered into this world - like a Croatian through-ball bypassing England's inept attempt at an offside trap that, for some reason, does not include the left back. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/22/it_wasn_t_like_this_in_my_day~3335594/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-19:/2007/11/19/chinese_water_torture~3320722/timchalmers2007-11-19T17:33:59+01:002007-11-20T19:06:16+01:00 <p>November 19</p> <p>Four words should cover it.<br> Decision delayed until Wednesday.<br> Compared to this, Gordon Brown was firm and decisive when setting an election date.<br> And we all know what happened to Lord Gord, don't we? Don't we?<br> Well, I'll tell you - Brown's fiddling around left Cuddles Cameron garnering the plaudits.<br> I can't think why or how that applies to the great nativity role distribution nail-biter of 2007 but it just does.<br> Wouldn't it have been easier to point to a couple of kids and say: 'You're Joseph. You're Mary.'</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/19/chinese_water_torture~3320722/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-18:/2007/11/18/the_lost_weekend~3314797/timchalmers2007-11-18T14:53:42+01:002007-11-18T14:53:42+01:00 <p>November 18</p> <p>I'm sure you recall the unbearable delay over a decision on England's try that never was in the World Cup final.<br> Who could forget it. (Personally, I think the video referee was watching Finding Nemo at the time and was caught very much with his trousers down, his mitts in the cookie jar and smearing jam on both sides of his buttie).<br> Anyway, just multiply the agonies you went through during the big game by ten.<br> The handing out of nativity roles has been delayed until Monday.<br> Yep, you read it right.<br> On Friday the children gathered expecting a decision one way or another.<br> If they were to be the anointed ones, fine. If not, they could dust themselves down, collect the shards of their shattered lives and attempt to glue everything back together during home economics.<br> Instead, they were asked to nominate a 'fall back' role they would also be happy with and await the big announcement after the weekend.<br> Superkid opted for lamb-holding shepherd - a team position he and his bestest pal carried off to glowing reviews two seasons ago.<br> So at least he's got that in the bank while he waits to hear about the big one.<br> But why the prevarication?<br> Perhaps the school are making so much from the premium rate voting lines that they decided to leave them open over the weekend.<br> Any which way, Monday it is. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/18/the_lost_weekend~3314797/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-15:/2007/11/15/oh_the_interminable_wait~3300461/timchalmers2007-11-15T14:03:02+01:002007-11-15T14:03:02+01:00 <p>November 15</p> <p>Beds are being stood beside.<br> Palms are being towelled down.<br> Rival parents are nodding to each other in the corridor at drop-off time in a polite but restrained manner.<br> There is nothing to do but wait for tomorrow's announcement.<br> I must return to the sanctuary of my darkened room.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/15/oh_the_interminable_wait~3300461/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:undercoverdad.blog.co.uk,2007-11-14:/2007/11/14/the_phone_lines_are_now_open~3294982/timchalmers2007-11-14T14:18:27+01:002007-11-14T14:30:17+01:00 <p>November 14</p> <p>Teech is Simon Cowell.<br> We are down to three couples vying for the pivotal Mary and Joseph roles.<br> Superkid is in one of these pairings and the final decision will be announced on Friday.<br> These are the bare facts.<br> Apparently, Teech asked pupils to put their hand up if they were interested in playing a particular part.<br> Superkid put his hand up for Joseph.<br> He hadn't even discussed this with his mother, who now faces two days of pacing the hall awaiting news.<br> As far as she understood it, Superkid fancied the position of head donkey because he wanted to ferry people around the stage on all fours.<br> That has all changed now.<br> As far as Superkid's mother can gather - and details coming back are sketchy to say the least - the competitors have already undergone a series of singing and elocution run-throughs.<br> Teech has been on the look out for star quality, a willingness to stand still with both socks pulled up and a reluctance to pick one's nose and examine the contents in front of a live audience.<br> There will doubtless be psychometric testing and team-building outward bounds activities tomorrow, after which the three fancied double acts will be able to do nothing but await the big announcement.<br> Despite the ongoing furore over rigged television reality-show voting, the phone lines will be thrown open on Friday morning, with Teech having the final say.<br> The gods of light entertainment will toss their stardust where they must. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://undercoverdad.blog.co.uk/2007/11/14/the_phone_lines_are_now_open~3294982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>