dispatches from the school run

March 2

Superkid was spruced up, combed, brushed, scrubbed and arranged as only a mother can spruce up, comb, brush, scrub and arrange her child.
Why?
For an appearance on local radio, of course.
As a father, I knew it was not my place to question the strange logic behind this pressing requirement to look good for radio.
'He's representing his school,' was Superkid's mother's catch-all explanation - delivered with such cold-eyed steel that it invited no argument.
Superkid's class would be performing 'She'll be coming round the mountain' in the school hall and the virtuoso effort would be going out on the airwaves for anyone living in the environs to enjoy at their leisure.
Of course there was a chance that some grudging killjoys would turn their radios off immediately but, hey, that's the chance you take when you pursue a life in the entertainment business.
Superkid knew the stakes were high and was quite happy to roll his dice.
Anyway, he was on a mission.
'I'm going to have a word with Steve after the performance,' he informed me as we made our way into school.
'Who's Steve?' I replied.
'He's an important man on the radio,' Superkid expanded. 'And I'm going to have a word with him after the performance.'
At picking up time, Superkid proclaimed himself content with the class's display but disappointed with his first public singing performance in one respect.
'Steve didn't turn up,' he told me sadly. 'So I couldn't have a word with him after all.'
'Never mind,' I said and, being middle aged, turned on Radio Two for the drive home.
'No wonder he didn't turn up,' said Superkid. 'He was busy. Listen . . . Steve Wright in the afternoon.'
Wasn't being a kid great.

February 25

Welcome back, I hope your half-term break went exceedingly well and was packed with life enhancing experiences for your educationally nourished offspring.
Even if your half-term was not packed with life enhancing experiences for your educationally nourished offspring, I hope they were well briefed as to what information to impart to Teech and what to keep quiet.
Superkid is primed so that when he is asked what he did during the holiday, he will reveal the following:
1. I read Stig of the Dump to my mum and dad and enjoyed it.
2. I read a whole book of poems and found them very entertaining.
3. I did some great comprehension work.
4. I managed a two-hour walk with my dad. We saw eleven red kites and a large rabbit warren.
5. I went in to London with my mum and dad for a ‘family day out’ and we visited lots of places to do with the Great Fire of London before learning all about the Tower of London and HMS Belfast.

Superkid is primed so that when he is asked what he did during the holiday, he will not reveal the following:
1. I reached level five of Star Wars the Complete Saga on my Nintendo DS Lite due to repeated and prolonged game time when my parents did not mind me playing because it meant they could chat without interruption.
2. I found the Brain Training game for the DS Lite essentially boring and uninspiring, even though I am aware my parents want me to play it to offset the time I spend mastering Star Wars the Complete Saga. Don’t they realise it could never replace Star Wars the Complete Saga in my affections?
3. I stayed up very late on at least three nights. And by very late, I mean VERY late. This rendered me tired the next day and was again indicative of ill-disciplined parenting.
4. I ate an entire, adult-sized pizza during my visit to London. That’s not in the guide books is it!
5. I was allowed to attend an adults’ party at which fully matured women were present and clearly visible shaking their chests around in a provocative manner to background music. I was watching nearly as intently as my father.
Guess which list the class got to hear about.

Anyone who likes to take their sporting comment with an acerbic twist might enjoy visiting ‘That Was The Sporting Week’ on the Daily Mail website.
You can get to it via the sport page and it’s by me.

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February 14

A day of heightened emotions, tearful recriminations and childish hopes smashed against the rocks of cruel reality in an all-too harsh world.
But enough of the fact that I did not receive a card even though I am fully married and now out of my probation period.
For his part, Superkid had two personally selected valentines to deliver and was planning to do so anonymously by arriving early and distributing his wares before any classmates checked in.
He carried out the plan successfully enough but undid the good work somewhat by greeting the subjects of his desire at the classroom door with
the announcement: 'I've hidden a card in your draw, it's got a question mark in it but it's definitely from me.'
This did not seem to take the sheen off his day to any great degree, even though he came home with no cards of his own. I don't think it had occured
to him that he might receive, only give. So he was happy enough with proceedings.
If only adult life could deliver such simple satisfaction for him.
Undercoverdad rudely overheard A Certain Mother informing A Certain Other Mother: 'I don't naturally take to being pampered. I have to be forced into being pampered but then I tend to really enjoy it.'
It sounded like a tough job, but somebody would be charged with trying to deliver the goods that self same night.